Do you ever wake up and just wonder where the time has gone? Like somehow you blinked and you’ve missed everything you thought was important.
I recently woke up feeling like this and it hit me pretty hard. Where had all the time gone? There were so many things I had intended to do when I got out of high school and here I am, not doing any of them.
I felt like I had nothing to show for my years of efforts.
I went through a couple of weeks feeling very depressed at having come to this conclusion. The feeling of being stuck in an endless cycle of parenting, working, and cleaning was overwhelming.
It was the same thing every day:
Get the kids off to school
Do some cleaning
Go to work
Cook dinner (although not necessarily in that order as I do love to use my slow cooker)
Put kids to bed
Go to bed
Wake up and start the whole process over again
Sure it varied a little; sometimes I scrubbed the toilet instead of the floors, sometimes I worked on the mountain of laundry instead of the mountain of dishes. But ultimately the cycle never changed. I still essentially did the same things every day
Ultimately I still woke up feeling unhappy.
I felt everyday that I wasn’t doing well enough.
I wasn’t that mom on Facebook who cuts her kids sandwiches into little shapes when she packed their lunch. Heck, I was lucky if I remembered to send them a spoon!
I wasn’t making food that warranted a photograph for the world to see because of how amazing it turned out. And let’s be honest, we have nuggets and hot dogs way more than we should and canned veggies are my go to side dish.
My kitchen floors were always dirty regardless of if I scrubbed them just that morning and there is always laundry and dishes to be done and garbage and recycling to be taken out.
I don’t iron my husband’s shirts or give him regular foot massages and we haven’t had a date night in months.
I still worked at the same part time job, making barely more than minimum wage, feeling unappreciated for all the hard work I put into it.
And, I went to the same places, saw the same people, and repeated the same tasks.
For a while I tried to blame this on the people around me. Sure I never said it out loud but inside it tore me up. It caused me to feel angry at the people around me and I was tired all the time.
I blamed it on the lack of time or money keeping me from making a change. I blamed anything I could to keep me from having to accept responsibility for my own choices.
Then one day I woke up and realized that this was on me. There was no one to blame for the shape of my life but me. It was unfair of me to hold resentment towards the people in my life I cared for most.
So I decided to do something about it. I shifted all that anger and blame I was feeling towards others onto myself. After that, I spent a great deal of time thinking about what it was I wanted out of my life, how I wanted it to look.
I figured out my dream job and my desired home life and am currently working towards it. Once I had my goal, I began revamping my whole life to coincide with exactly how I want to see my life and the things in it.
I went from staying up late, to going to bed early, and instead of sleeping long as possible in the morning, I am up nearly an hour before my kids. With some help from family and friends, I have started this blog and am writing something almost every day. I am enrolled in my very first collage course and am scouring books and the web for any and all information to soak up. I watch less TV and instead devote my time to my kids and my writing.
I could go on with this list, but well, you get the picture I’m sure.
While I was doing this not only did I figure out those things, I realized a few other things that I had forgotten along the way.
Sure I may not be rich, making six digits a year, but my husband and I own a home and we are about to buyout the least for our car. I can go into the grocery store and not have to worry about the price tag on the items I put in my cart.
My house isn’t spotless all the time but I can tell you exactly where anything is at any given time, and there’s room for my kids to play. Most days you can even manage to walk through the entire house and not step on a Lego.
I’m not that Pinterest inspired mom who goes above and beyond with everything she does but my children are happy and well adjusted kids who want for nothing(though that is due in large part to grandma but I play my part).
I may not wake up every day bouncing out of bed, feeling bubbly, with a huge grin on my face but I’m certainly getting closer than I have ever been before and I’m happy with that.